Sorry for not posting as consistently as I have planned this week (I know, I know I just created my mood board stating that my mood for the month would be “getting shit done”) but I have literally been on an emotional roller coaster since Tuesday night and I feel like it’s necessary to talk about it, hopefully it’ll be a little therapeutic for myself and empowering for other people possibly experiencing something similar.
As you all know from my first post, I relocated to Dallas, Tx just a few months ago in an attempt to fulfill this vision that I had of my life. I had lived in the Central Valley (Cali for those that don’t know) a good majority of the 22 years I’ve been here on this peachy planet and I have literally hated it just as long. There are no opportunities for creatives like myself, the job market is literal boo boo, and the air also smells like cow boo boo to match. So, you can imagine the type of hype I was on when I had started to fall literally in love with someone who was very special to me at the time over long intimate phone and Skype calls, even a few visits back and forth from state to state, over a year or so period of time. The encouragement to come to Dallas was overwhelming from him and it fed into my emotions, paired with the “trust” we had built for one another, and I was even getting multiple job offers from just applying online…..what could go wrong right? In my head I had created this facade of our perfect relationship that was built around supporting one another’s dreams and turning them into reality; a family, house, maybe even marriage!
Cut to the next scene, I move and it’s so exciting! I got rid of all my belongings back home. It didn’t even feel like home at that point, I couldn’t wait to pack my car and leave the dust bowl called Fresno behind and I did just that. The first few weeks were dream like. I was in my partner’s presence, we were able to connect physically and hug and cuddle and kiss, you know those elements that you want so bad when they’re not there with you everyday. I felt like I was on cloud 9 and I knew he felt the same…..until I felt he didn’t.
I thought it was me, being too overbearing and not giving him enough space. There was a weird vibe between us just after about a month of being there and I chucked it up to trying to get to know each other better, after all we did take a huge step and move in together. But there was more, there were petty arguments and more distance…
and more petty arguments…. and more distance….
and more intense arguments….and the distance became unbearable to me.
I felt like I was single, alone away from my family and everyone that actually cared for me (which I clearly was) so I let it be known. I bore my heart and soul, bawling and confessed everything to him that I had been feeling in attempt for some clarity, after all I was invested not only monetarily, but wholeheartedly. I got the coldest, discouraging, and downright uncaring disturbing response…no response at all. Literally, he put his big ass headphones on and continued to look at the computer screen like I wasn’t in the room and his presence said everything that he didn’t: get over it, I don’t care.
That should have been a big red flag for me, I mean it was, it really really really bothered me, but I continued to think it must be me. There must be something I can do to fix it. Fast forward about another month, that distance is still there and “were working on it”. I’m laying on his chest enjoying his presence and trying to concentrate watching a movie, but I see in the corner of my eye a Facebook message from a possible associate, totally normal, except when he opens Facebook messenger there are a collective of women in his messages and immediately my heart starts to beat faster. I ask him calmly, can you open her message and point to the screen. He does, it’s just a bunch of smiley faces from some random girl that he didn’t respond to and my heart slows a little, then I point to the next on the list and his immediate physical reaction is to pull the phone away and start asking why I want to see anything, that I should mind my own business.
Umm?? THIS IS MY BUSINESS. Eventually he opens it and he won’t let me hold the phone myself, but I start scrolling through them with my index finger, not even really reading them just hardly skimming for any inappropriate words or I was expecting a naked picture of her or something, but no, what I saw was even more heart-wrenching in my opinion. I scrolled up to a picture of him and his ex (she looked like the girl in the little profile picture circle) smiling extra cheesy with the iPhone edit with hearts above their head and I just stopped there and physically had to get up to walk around the room. My stomach felt as though it were traveling up my throat and trying to break free from my mouth uncontrollably. The only words I could make out shakily were “why would you bring me out here if you were playing games?!”
He layed there and laughed in my face and stated that he wasn’t cheating on me. So I sat back down calmly and asked him to pull up the messages again so that I could actually look through them because after all my trust had been shattered in about 2 seconds and I needed some clarity and reassurance. He refused, he told me I needed to mind my business and began to laugh again at me when I became frustrated and more visibly upset. I got so upset that he was sitting there cackling and scrolling through Facebook that I smacked the phone out of his hand and yelled “DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME TO ME?”
It wasn’t a game. It turned into the exact opposite of a game, it turned into me being afraid for my life to be exact. As soon as I smacked the phone onto the ground (which was literally maybe a foot and a half from the floor from where he was laying in the bed) he jumped up and pushed me with his full strength into the walk-in closet where my clothes bins had been and I hit the back of my head on the wall. He yelled “BITCH, ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU DUMBASS BITCH!” and as I tried to push him off of me he wrapped his left hand around my throat and applied pressure. I tried to do the same with a free hand to his throat, but it wasn’t even comparable nor effective, so I went for his genitals. I tried to pull or punch, anything I could do to get him off of me, but before I was able to he cocked back his right fist and punched me in the left eye. To be honest, I didn’t even feel it. I was so shocked I screamed the obvious “YOU JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!” in an attempt to wake him from his tornado of anger but there was no remorse. He yelled back “YOU JUST BROUGHT OUT A WHOLE ‘NOTHER MUTHAFUCKIN SIDE OF ME!” while his fist cocked back again, but just before the next blow I was able to bite his forearm and he released but didn’t retreat. There was more tussling and he even had me in a choke hold while I was on the ground and I kept yelling in a hoarse yet very real tone for help, at least 3 times, and he continued to tell me to shut the fuck up. I think once he realized that possibly a neighbor could get involved, he snapped back into reality.
There was more pushing as I tried to get out the closet and I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t grab anything, not my phone (stupidly) or my keys (even more stupid) and ran outside to the front. To make a long story long, I was able to get my things back into my vehicle (which took a good 15 mins of packing but felt like forever), call the police (who did not show up after waiting a minimum of 20 minutes…apparently they were “in route”), and find a distant family friend’s house to stay at for the night. I am currently staying with some extended family and so grateful that they were willing to open their home up to allow me to do so.
I’m already almost 1,500 words into this article, so I am going to cut it short and make this a series for however long it needs to be to truly get my full points across. I am a mess of mixed emotions, shock, and reality that I don’t have a place to soundly call home. I’m definitely going to address these feels in my next post along with some more details of my upsetting experience. I feel like my story needs to be told because there are lots of women that fall for charm everyday and get literally stabbed in the back. I mean, it’s not something to “look forward to” but I hope that my readers can gain a valuable insight on how it may feel and the after affects of situations like these from his post as well as my following posts.
Have you or anyone you know encountered a similar experience of assault, manipulation, or betrayal? I would love to hear your stories and how they or you have triumphed and moved on as encouragement.